In a stunning development that has left both animal behaviorists and conspiracy theorists equally confused, sources close to the shadowy figure repeatedly spotted waving a stick at two extremely polite golden retrievers insist the entire affair is being “wildly misinterpreted.”
The man, who local residents have nicknamed “Stick Daddy,” “The Prodmaster,” and occasionally just “that weird guy in the trench coat who’s always at the dog park at 3 a.m.,” issued a brief statement through his attorney (a very tired-looking corgi in a tiny bow tie):
“I am merely an enthusiastic walker achieving my daily step goal. The stick is ergonomic. The dogs are choosing violence of their own free will. I am basically a fitness influencer.”
Eyewitness accounts paint a rather different picture.
“I watched him poke Golden Retriever #1 in the hindquarters,” said concerned citizen Karen McBarkington, clutching her emotional support oat milk latte. “Then he immediately turned around and gave Golden Retriever #2 the exact same poke. It was like watching MSNBC and Fox News share a producer.”
The dogs, later identified as “Buddy the Progressive” and “Chad the Traditionalist,” have been locked in a months-long turf war over a single tennis ball that has come to symbolize everything wrong with society. Buddy insists the ball represents collective ownership of recreational equipment. Chad maintains it is private property handed down through generations of fetch lineage and that any redistribution would be tantamount to communism with extra slobber.
Meanwhile, Stick Daddy continues to maintain plausible deniability.
“Sometimes I wave the stick to indicate direction,” he explained in a rare interview conducted from behind a bush. “Other times I wave it because the battery in my fitness tracker died and I’m panic-flailing to keep my streak alive. Correlation is not causation, people.”
Social media analysts have noted a troubling pattern: every time the two dogs briefly stop snarling and start butt-sniffing in tentative reconciliation, a fresh stick prod arrives within 4.7 seconds—precisely the average time it takes for a cable news segment to pivot to outrage.
“I’m telling you,” whispered one anonymous dog walker who asked to be identified only as “Deep Fetch,” “the stick guy belongs to some clandestine society, as Patreon for ‘performance art provocation,’ and suspiciously good aim for someone who claims he’s just doing cardio.”
When confronted with the metaphor that he might be the shadowy handler deliberately setting good-hearted dogs against each other while he profits from the spectacle, Stick Daddy grew visibly emotional.
“That’s hurtful,” he said, wiping away what may or may not have been a single crocodile tear. “I’m just a simple man trying to hit 12,000 steps while two dogs discover dialectical materialism through violence. If anything, I’m the victim here. My Watch keeps telling me I’m in the red zone for stress.”
At press time, Buddy and Chad were last seen circling each other in a perfect yin-yang formation while Stick Daddy jogged triumphantly into the fog, stick held high like a conductor leading the world’s most poorly behaved orchestra.
Local officials have issued the following public service announcement:
“If you see a man with a stick near fighting dogs, please do not intervene. He is achieving his step goal and must not be disturbed. The dogs will figure it out ‘eventually.’”
In the meantime, the tennis ball remains unredistributed, the prods keep coming, and somewhere in the distance, a fitness tracker chimes approvingly.
Originally published at drnothing.substack.com